An Ultimate Guide To BDSM For Beginners

By Syd Morris

When you think of BDSM, your first thought might go to something like Fifty Shades of Grey or S&M by Rihanna. No shade to the trilogy (ok maybe a little bit), but it’s actually a pretty inaccurate picture of what BDSM is. But because of how Fifty Shades of Grey and other media have portrayed kink, there are a lot of misconceptions about what it is, how it works, and why people engage in kink and BDSM activities.

BDSM 101

“Kink” is an overarching term for fetishes and BDSM. Today, we’re focusing on the BDSM side of kink. BDSM is an acronym that stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism. There are a lot of different frameworks, approaches, and theories about BDSM, so I encourage you to let this be a starting point for you and to do your own research as you continue your BDSM journey.

Because BDSM in the media is often where people get most of their information, let's start with some debunking and go over what BDSM is and is not:

BDSM itself is not abuse (while abuse can happen in scenes or activities, BDSM is not inherently abusive)
Just because someone is into BDSM, doesn’t mean they were abused or they are “messed up”
BDSM can be very therapeutic and healing
BDSM is mutually beneficial to all parties involved
There are a million different ways to participate
It can be an intrinsic part of who you are or it can just be something that you’re into
Outside of the key tenant of a BDSM scene (which we’ll go over in a moment), there’s no right or wrong way to “do” BDSM

The portrayal of BDSM in media often focuses on the opposite of the things listed above. Those who are shown to participate in it are usually given a storyline that they developed an interest in BDSM due to past abuse, that BDSM is abuse toward another person, and usually only one person (the dominant) gets pleasure from it. Some of the most important parts of BDSM are never shown in media such as the negotiation, consent, and aftercare. These things must happen in order to do a BDSM scene.

WHAT IS BDSM?

So let's get down to what BDSM actually is. At its core, it’s sexual practices that fit into the categories listed above that consenting people engage in for pleasure. People may participate in BDSM for a number of reasons from enjoying the physical sensations to using it as a cathartic release to enjoying relinquishing all power to others. The important thing to remember is that participating or being interested in BDSM is not a pathological or sexual issue. It’s completely normal and perfectly ok! There’s nothing wrong with you or anyone else for desiring to participate in it and there are whole communities you can get involved with to find like minded kinksters.

BDSM GUIDE

Alright, we’ve got a general overview of what BDSM is. But what actually happens when people do BDSM? While there are infinite possibilities for the actual actions people may do in a BDSM scene, there are five key parts that every BDSM interaction must have: communication, negotiation, play, aftercare, and debrief. Once we go over what each of these are in more detail, I’m pretty positive that you’ll agree with me in thinking that the BDSM community is actually the gold star standard for how all sexual activity should be.

Communication & Negotiation

Communication and negotiation are often very similar, so we’re going to pair them together for now. Negotiation happens before a “scene” or any sexual activity happens. This should be a conversation without any influence of alcohol or drugs and it’s incredibly important to make sure there isn’t a power imbalance. Everyone included should have full autonomy and power to share what they want and don’t want to achieve. Negotiation is not a one and done conversation, but rather something that should be revisited before each BDSM scene.

Some things that may be discussed in negotiation are past traumas, desires, limits, risks, safe words or actions, triggers and trigger plans, goals, protection, what aftercare will look like, and anything else you want! While this is something that you discuss before engaging in any BDSM, it’s important to keep communication open especially if you are trying something new. There may be unexpected feelings or experiences that come up that require you to pause and re-negotiate or stop altogether. That’s where safe words and actions come into play!

Safe words can be anything from “Stop” to “Applesauce” and safe actions can be something like a triple tap on the arm or blinking really hard. Having a safe action is really important specifically when you are engaging in anything like choking, gagging, or deep throating. If someone uses a safe word or action, that means everything stops instantly. It could mean that someone just needs to get your attention and they need a bathroom break or water or it could mean that the scene needs to stop altogether and you need to enact a trigger plan. One of the biggest red flags when doing BDSM with anyone is if they don’t respect your safe word or continue to push or make you feel guilty for using it.

Within communication and negotiation is also the continual foundation of consent. Consent should be happening constantly in whatever way you decide. One of the major consent frameworks was provided by Williams, Thomas, Prior, and Christensen in 2014 called the 4 C’s. The four parts of this framework are Caring, Communication, Consent, and Caution. They propose that in BDSM (and all sex in general) these four things must be present. At the core of all BDSM, partners care for each other and the experience that others are having. Communication, like we’ve chatted about, is vital, Consent (specifically informed and aware consent) is mandatory, and Caution is essential especially in ensuring people are not harmed past what they are desiring and safety precautions are being taken.

Overall, negotiation is what you can use to get everyone on the same page so that during the scene, you can focus purely on your partner(s), yourself, and pleasure. Take as little or as much time as you need before each time you do any BDSM to see how your partner(s) are feeling that day, what level of intensity they are desiring, what they are wanting to feel, and all of the other things listed above.

Play

The actual actions of BDSM are often referred to as “play”... because that’s what it is! You may hear terms like play partners, play parties, or play scenes. All of these refer to the aspects of BDSM. For those engaging in BDSM, it should at the end of the day always be pleasurable. But pleasure can mean so many different things and that is for each person to decide for themselves. It’s important to remove the societal “vanilla lens” that we often look at sex through. Pleasure for one person might be soft and sensual stroking while for someone else it might be having hot wax poured over them while they are completely restrained and blindfolded. Every kind of pleasure is good as long as it’s safe and consensual.

BDSM scenes and play also offer an expanded view on what sex even is. The heterosexual, patriarchal definition of sex is penis in vagina penetration, but sex is so much more! It’s any sexual activity alone or with other consenting people. Often, BDSM scenes don’t even include penetration and instead might just focus on impact play (whipping or flogging) or rope play (bondage and restraints). So BDSM play can try to include anything that you want, even if it’s using a silk blindfold and fuzzy handcuffs in your bedroom. It’s all just as valid and important.

Aftercare and Debrief

Aftercare is just as expansive as the BDSM itself, and this is something that should be discussed in the negotiation before any BDSM activities commence. Aftercare is exactly what it sounds like. It’s caring for your partner after a scene is done. Often it is focused on the person that received the higher intensity actions, but it’s important that everyone be given the aftercare they need. This can be getting your partner food and water, tending to wounds, cuddling, a massage with calming oil, or wrapping each other in soft robes.

Some people like to debrief during aftercare and some people prefer to wait until a couple hours later or the next day to talk it through. You can even use a Sex Journal to help guide you in a debrief. Debriefing is going over how that experience was for anyone involved, what worked, what didn’t, what you might want to do differently next time, and what emotions you felt. It’s important for this time to be safe and open in order for people to express how they truly felt during the scene. This is what makes for having the best experiences moving forward!

Introducing BDSM into your life

Whew! We just went over a LOT. Deep breath, how ya doing? This might be a little intense for BDSM for Beginners or you may be ready to keep diving in, either way, take a moment to check in with yourself before we wade a little deeper.

If you haven’t already been talking about introducing BDSM into your sex life with your current partner(s), there are a few different ways you can go about it. If you’re nervous to bring it up with them, you can have a “Fantasy Night” where you each write down your hottest fantasy and read them to each other. This can be a great opportunity for you to share what you’re wanting to try while they do as well. Who knows! Maybe it’ll be more similar than you think. You can also try using a Yes, No, Maybe List where you each fill it out separately and compare your answers. There are more lists online that are BDSM specific as well.

If you’ve already started the conversation or are wanting to dive right in, you can suggest doing some online shopping together on the Pepper site or even taking the BDSM Test together to see what your levels of interest and personalities are.

Because BDSM is a massive world in and of itself, it can feel intimidating when you want to get started. If you know you are interested in trying BDSM out, but you or your partner(s) aren’t sure where to start, there are a few key things that you can do to get your imagination rolling.

First, let’s discover what you’re interested in! You might be ready to try everything or only be interested in one thing at the moment. Both are great. For now, list your top 1-3 things that you want to try first. This can be anything including bondage, wax, whipping, spanking, submission, nipple clamps, and needle play. The Yes, No, Maybe Lists are great options here as well because they might list out things that you’ve never even thought about.

Start small! If you’re nervous or overwhelmed to jump right in, pick one of our BDSM toys like a blindfold, ball gag, or feather tickler. Remember that even before you try something small, it’s important to implement the aspects of every BDSM scene that we talked about above. If you already know that you want something a tad spicier, try out some chair restraints or clamps.

As you continue your BDSM journey, treat it like any other learning curve. You may want to find a kinkster community online or in your area, take classes, watch educational videos, or follow kinky educators on social media. Trust me, the pain will be that much more pleasurable if you know everyone is safe.

So go out there, treat yourself to a new Pepper BDSM toy, and get kinky!

BDSM Glossary

BDSM	Acronym for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism
4 C’s	Caring, Communication, Consent, Caution
Dom/Dominant	The individual who is holds the power and control in a scene
Sub/Submissives	The individual who is on the receiving end of a dominant’s power. They often relinquish control in these scenes.
Breath Play	Limiting oxygen to increase pleasure, such as chocking or gagging
Wax Play	Using hot wax on skin during a scene
Impact Play	Someone using an item on someone else to hit or impact their body such as a flogger, paddle, or whip
Scene	When the BDSM activity is happening between partners
Play Partner	The person or people you are engaging in BDSM with
Safeword / action	The word or action that anyone in the scene can use to instantly pause or end the scene
Switch	Someone who can and wants to switch between a Dom / Sub depending on the scene and who their play partner is
Vanilla	Non-BDSM or Kinky sexual activity
Subspace	A mental space that the submissive may go to during a scene. This may be at the highest point of intensity or pain. It is often described as a “high” or “cathartic” space
Chastity	Restricting sexual activity or pleasure, sometimes through the use of a chastity belt. Those involved in chastity play are often also in a dominant / submissive relationship where one person has control over the sexual activity of another.
Collared	The use of a collar to show someone’s status as a submissive in a dominant / submissive relationship

Sydney (Syd) Morris (she/her/), is a white, cisgender, queer, Sex Educator in Seattle who is passionate about making the worlds of sex education and sex tech easier to navigate regardless of beliefs, experiences, or identities. She is a Master of Arts in Education candidate at Antioch University, where her research investigates where adults go to find answers to their questions about sex. Syd approaches sexuality education from an intersectional and pleasure-centered lens. She believes that every part of you is relevant to your sexuality and you inherently deserve to experience pleasure in the ways that feel good for you.

Cart