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How to Build Sexual Tension in Your Relationship

How to Build Sexual Tension in Your Relationship

By Syd Morris

Have you ever been at an event, with friends, or even at home and your partner starts doing all the right things to get you hot and bothered? They touch your lower back as they pass by, give you that look, wear an outfit you love, whisper something in your ear, or send you a spicy text about what they want to do to you later. You just can’t help but want to take them home or even to the nearest bathroom as soon as possible. That is sexual tension. But it can happen in a hundred different ways. Whether you’ve been loving the sexual chemistry that’s happening between you and your partner(s), but want to spice things up or if you’ve felt stuck in a rut and are looking for a way to reignite the spark, sexual tension is a great place to start. 

The best sexual tension happens when you make it almost impossible to not dive into each other, and then hold out even a bit longer than that. Here are 10 tips on how to build sexual tension anywhere from 0-100.

Don’t Have Sex

Ok, this might seem counterintuitive, but it’s actually one of the best tips! If you’ve been feeling like your sex is too much of a routine, a chore, or just haven’t been in the mood, take sex completely off the table. Not only does this eliminate any pressure that might be present, but it creates an attitude of “you want what you can’t have”. Think about Love Island. They put a bunch of people in a house and tell them not to touch. But then they make them do activities that are intimate. No wonder they all want to get between the sheets!

It’s important to remember that this is a co-decision and not a punishment. This is meant to be fun and help build that tension. Sit down with your partner and decide together on a set amount of time. A good place to start is 1-2 weeks, but you can pick any time frame that works for you. Then pick a different type of physical intimacy to do each night (just because sex is off the table doesn’t mean that you can’t still be intimate!). One night might be massages, another might be showering together. Maybe you have a hot makeout session, but don’t let it go any further, or you masturbate side by side without letting yourself touch the other. You’re spending this time focusing on reconnecting physically and not letting any pressure to have sex be present. You can take the time frame as seriously or loosely as you’d like. The more strictly you stick to it, the tension might become even stronger. But there’s no judgment here if you simply can’t help yourself. 

Restrain Yourself… Physically 

Sometimes there’s nothing hotter than a partner having their way with you. You might want to take it one step further. Try out using restraints in the bedroom. (Quick Pause: a mandatory reminder to practice consent and safewords in all situations, but especially when using restrictive toys or practices). You can use chair restraints, full bondage cuffs, or even a blindfold to remove some of the power that one partner has. 

As the non-restrained partner, spend time touching, kissing, licking, sucking, and biting each part of their body. Move from one end to the other, spending just enough time in the erogenous zones that pleasure is felt momentarily, but nothing more. Go as slowly as you can, and then even slower. 

If you want to go a little further, use a toy like a vibrator or a feather tickler and run it all over their body. This can work for all anatomies! Don’t let the toy linger for too long in any one place. Go over the nipples, stomach, mouth, inner thighs, and maybe a little bit on the vulva or penis. Then when you finally feel like the sexual tension has built to the max, untie your partner and do whatever comes next.

Sexting Isn’t Just for College Kids

Sexting encompasses so many different things. It can include sending nudes, leaving handwritten notes for your partner to find, sending a voice memo, or an actual text. The great thing about sexting is that you can do whatever level you’re comfortable with. If you’re nervous about getting technology involved in your sex life, try leaving notes around the house, in your partner’s lunch bag, or in their car. They never know when they are going to find one and it can make mundane tasks such as eating lunch at their desk so much better. For inspiration on what to write, try using some of these prompts:

Describe the best orgasm your partner gave you.

Describe a fantasy that you know your partner has of you.

Tell them that you wrote the note after masturbating and how it was.

Describe what you want them to do to you or what you want to do to them tonight.

Include a card from Position of the Day and tell them when and where you want to try it.

You can use those same prompts while texting, sending a voice memo, or calling them. Be sure to discuss boundaries ahead of time. Whether it’s sending a certain emoji right before you send a spicy voice message, so they know not to listen to it out loud, checking in to make sure it’s a good time to send a nude or agreeing to not send things during specific hours of the day. Or maybe all times are on the table and you send something dirty at family dinner and watch your partner’s face as they try to hold it together.

When sending nudes, remember that photos can follow us everywhere. This isn’t meant to scare anyone from doing it, but rather encourage safe practices when doing so. Try not to include your face or any identifying marks on your body or in the background of your picture. Make agreements to never save photos to your phone, or keep them password protected. You might even want to go through and delete those pictures in each of your texts at the end of a day, week, or month. It’s a lot sexier when it’s safe!

Talk About Your Turn-Ons

Turn this into your next date night! Each person should grab a glass of wine, a piece of paper, and a pen. Then spend five minutes privately writing down what your turn-ons are. Try to write ones that your partner doesn’t do as well as ones that are specific to your partner. This might be when they come out of the shower in a robe when they touch the small of your back as they walk by, the way they look after the gym, or any other number of things. Then take turns sharing your lists and have fun explaining why those are turn-ons for you. I bet you and your partner will learn something new that you had no idea the other person thought was hot!

Then over the next week, go out of your way to do the things that your partner named as their turn on’s. Buy a new piece of lingerie, spend a little extra time post-shower in your towel, or wear the perfume they love.

Making Out is Underrated

Name a pair that has more sexual tension than the couple who would make out in the middle of the high school hallway. Not everyone loved seeing it, but the sexual tension was undeniable. Often when we think about sexual tension, we think of the end goal only being penetrative sex, but making out can be just as hot, if not even more.

Even if a steamy make-out sesh in public isn’t your thing, making out doesn’t have to be reserved for the bedroom either. If you both work from home, take a quick break to make out for a few minutes. Use it as a reward for finishing a chore, but before moving on to the next one. Before heading into the grocery store or an event, pause and get in some passionate kisses in the car. Sexual tension isn’t just with the goal of sex, but it’s also about building intimacy. 

Touch Each Other

We’re taking a step back from purely sexual tips. Although touching each other with wandering hands throughout the day is 100% a way that builds sexual tension, so is loving touch. Think about how you interact with your partner when you’re together. Do you frequently touch, hug, cuddle, have a hand on their leg, feel their hand on your back, hold hands, give shoulder massages, wrap your arms around them from behind, or give kisses on the cheek, forehead, or shoulder? All of these things can be crucial in building safety and comfort, which are prerequisites for sexual tension. If the sexual tension just isn’t there with your partner, take a step back and look at how safe and comfortable you both feel in the relationship and physically with each other. 

Touch Yourself

If you’re working your way towards building sexual tension with your partner, that doesn’t mean you will both want to have sex or be intimate every single minute of every day. Life, libido, and desire vary constantly! But this doesn’t mean that the partner who is a bit horny needs to stifle those feelings. Instead, take this as an opportunity to connect with your body and desires. 

Take some time to focus on what feels good as you masturbate. Think of your partner doing those things to you. Imagine your partner living out one of your fantasies. Look through some of those older texts or pics that they sent when you were both in the mood at work. Don’t rush through, but focus on the different sensations. Do foreplay with yourself by touching your inner thighs, chest, and hips. Turn on some music, and light a candle. You can even use your favorite toy to spice things up. This is an amazing way to connect with your own body, release that built-up sexual tension, and it might even build more when your partner hears you from the next room over.

Try Something New

If you’ve been getting bored with your sex routine, there might not be much that you are feeling excited enough by to even have sexual tension for. Let’s bring in the big guns. Even something as simple as incorporating a new toy can be the change you need to reignite your sex life. Ultimately, sexual tension comes from the desire to sexually and physically connect. If you aren’t feeling any desire to sexually connect in the ways you have been with your partner, that’s the first step! It’s time to get that spark back. 

Sexual tension can feel easy at the beginning of a relationship because everything is new. But after months or years, the newness might wear off. Introducing something new can feel overwhelming, but there are so many options! If you’re having analysis paralysis, chat with one of the Pepper Concierges. They can help walk through what you and your partner like, your lifestyle, price range, and any other details before suggesting a new accessory for the bedroom. If you’re in the area, you can even talk with them in person and get a live demo of any toys you’re interested in. 

Want to start exploring now? Check out Toys for Couples.

Put Sex on the Calendar

Sending your partner a Google Calendar invite for sex might sound like a sexual tension killer. But it’s actually one of the most recommended tips from sexuality professionals! Scheduling sex can help you get in the right mindset ahead of time, especially if you or your partner have responsive desire (read more about desire types in How To Talk About Sex With Your Partner). Exhausting and long days can be instant mood killers, but with sex on the calendar, you know that is time set aside for you and your partner to connect. You don’t schedule anything else over it, you might wear your favorite lingerie or underwear under your outfit to work, you can sext about it with your partner during the day, or even get a head start with yourself on your lunch break (if you work from home… or not). 

Scheduling sex doesn’t mean that life doesn’t happen though! A partner might not feel well or just not be in the mood. Instead of feeling like you have to call it off completely or force yourself to have sex, brainstorm some different ways to physically connect in a way that does sound good. Take a shower together, give each other a massage with a massage candle, or even go through the Intimacy Deck together. This time on the calendar is for your relationship, so it can look however you want it to!

See a Sex Therapist

Seeing a sex therapist doesn’t mean you have a “broken” sex life. There are a thousand reasons why couples or individuals might see a sex therapist. Whether you feel like your sex life is in shambles and you have tried everything or you just want to make it even better than it already is, sex therapists are experts in, well… sex. When deciding on a sex therapist, make sure to connect with ones that fit your lifestyle and values! Don’t be scared to ask them questions about if they are kink-positive, LGBTQ+ affirming, experienced in working with different relationship structures, support sex workers, or anything else that is important to you. 

However, sex therapy isn’t always accessible for everyone. It can be expensive, it takes time out of your day, or it might just not be a top priority right now. But there are tons of sex therapists and educators on Instagram that give general advice. Follow some of these accounts and send the posts that you like back and forth to your partner. Maybe even have a date night where you scroll through some of their pages. 

Instagram Accounts to Check Out:

@dr.elyssahelfer

@squirtingisntpee

@drerickab

@sexedwithtim

@sistasexologist

@lotus_ropewolf

@pleasure_mechanics

@dirtylola

@1marlastewart

@imjustineaf

@thefatsextherapist

@afrosexology_

Building sexual tension is so beneficial wherever your relationship may be. You and your partner(s) deserve to feel pleasure, and sexual tension may be an incredible way to increase that. Send this article to your partner(s), decide on just 1 or all 10 tips to try out this week, and get to it! Above all else, focus on what feels good, connecting to yourself and your partner(s), and turn up the flirting.

Sydney (Syd) Morris (she/her/), is a white, cisgender, queer, Sex Educator in Seattle who is passionate about making the worlds of sex education and sex tech easier to navigate regardless of beliefs, experiences, or identities. She is a Master of Arts in Education candidate at Antioch University, where her research investigates where adults go to find answers to their questions about sex. Syd approaches sexuality education from an intersectional and pleasure-centered lens. She believes that every part of you is relevant to your sexuality and you inherently deserve to experience pleasure in the ways that feel good for you.

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