null Skip to main content
Figuring Out How Far You Want to Go

better sex

Figuring Out How Far You Want to Go

Kaisha-Dyan McMillanApril 20, 2020

How to communicate with your partner to get out of your sexual comfort zone and try new things in the bedroom.

When couples settle into a sexual groove, the idea of leaving our comfort zones to try new things in bed can cause anxiety even in the most enthusiastic among us. You’ve been through everything together, and yet the prospect of acting out a sexual fantasy may be complicated. Maybe there’s something you’ve always wanted to try but you’re nervous about being judged, afraid of turning off your partner or aren’t really sure how to articulate what you want.

One of the most exciting aspects of exploring fresh sexual territory is deciding how far you want to go with each other, and that means communicating at every step.

Let curiosity lead the way

We all have sexual fantasies, most of which exist quite comfortably in our minds. Here’s a funny thing about fantasies though: you can actually make them happen, and the best place to start is by talking to your partner about them.

When a conversation, article, documentary, or boutique window inspires tantalizing new ideas for things to try in bed, loop your person in. Before venturing into new territory like buying a different kind of sex toy, introducing sensation play or tapping BDSM techniques for the first time, do both the research and shopping together. Discussing fantasies with each other gets you both on the same page, and that’s a powerful bonding experience—not to mention a major turn on.

Keep an open mind

There’s a lot to explore out there, and the best way to find out what’s for you and your person is trying things out together. That takes an open mind.

After all, wanting to explore fantasy sex isn’t an indication that something is lacking in your relationship—it’s really an opportunity to play together. Leaving labels and judgment behind when either of you bring up a sexual fantasy makes communicating about where to take things so much easier.

Embracing a mindset of exploration also means staying open to the possibility that the fantasy is better off staying that way. Some activities are a deal-breaker, and allowing that to be expressed and respected is just as integral to the experience as the fantasy itself.

Dip your toe in gradually

Remember: being together for a long time doesn’t eliminate the need for consent. Before exploring a fantasy, setting boundaries puts you and your partner on the same page about what can and cannot happen. Plus, we think it also helps create a little healthy tension, making what you’re about to do even sexier.

When determining how to set boundaries, you want to first be in agreement that this new thing is going to happen, then work together to establish a blueprint. For instance, decide together who’s guiding the action versus who’s receiving it. Set a safe word, something non-sexual and random to blurt out if a line gets crossed so the other person knows to put on the brakes.

When the time comes to introduce something new during playtime, take things slowly, and keep up communication by asking yes or no questions (“do you like this?” and “does this feel good?” are two of our favorites). As things progress, test the waters by building on what feels good to your person—a slight increase in pressure, speeding things up or slowing them down. And afterward, when you’re basking in the afterglow, discuss what just happened and maybe make plans for next time.

Deciding to try something new and figuring out how far to go takes effort, imagination, and courage. Your sexual fantasies are an amazing way to not only strengthen your connection but also your communication.

And, we can’t think of a better way to win-win. 

You may also like...