An interview with Julia Feldman @givingthetalk:How to unlearn toxic sexuality.
Interviewee: Julia Feldman | @givingthetalk
Profession: Sex Educator
Connection Advice: “Sex is a powerful tool for maintaining your connection and fostering your relationship”
If you ask Julia from Giving The Talk, she’ll say, “We're immersed in this culture that's toxic when it comes to sexuality and we have to unlearn it.” And we don’t disagree.
Her fresh perspective on sex, connection and pleasure couldn’t be more welcome.
Not to mention that her tips on toys are spot on.
She talks sex like she talks about the weather: clear with a high chance of fun. So naturally, we were all ears and here’s what we covered...
“Sex can be about having fun together; you can create a special place together away from the monotony.”
Invest in your sex life, it has a high return.
When it comes to sex and pleasure in a partnership, I think that people really underestimate the extent to which long term partnerships are work. Sex is such a powerful tool for maintaining your connection and fostering your relationship. It's not just a component of a relationship, it really has the power to deepen your connection and heal, tie and bond people together; making a partnership even that much stronger.
Relationships are hard. Sex is fun.
Our expectations are high. We want novelty and new and exciting experiences in a partnership, but we also crave stability and reliability and the monotony of having someone we know we can rely on. Working on our relationship takes skill, effort, and work, and sex can be about having fun together; you can create a special place together away from the monotony.
“There's a stigma in our society about sex toys that somehow suggests that there's a deficiency in one of your skills or that you’re bored”
What people need to learn about sex toys is that they are about fun.
There's a stigma in our society about sex toys that somehow suggests that there's a deficiency in one of your skills or that you’re bored or things are boring or that someone isn't doing something right and that, really, when it comes to shopping for sex toys; there should be that childlike wonder of oh my gosh, this is fun; let's go home and play with it; I can't wait to use it!
Suddenly, that sex that you have every Tuesday night is going to be different and exciting.
If you have a new toy and you're exploring something together then you're not just living your life alongside each other, you're creating something new together. If you have sex a couple of times a week after you put the kids to sleep, then what's gonna make that sex exciting? Toys.
What if you could take the amazing sex you're having with your partner to the next level?
Wouldn't it be fun to run home with that new cock ring or this G-spot toy and see what you can do for your partner to drive them wild? Making it (sex) different and giving it novelty and making it new and exciting, that's what toys can do! I think coming from that angle, it's not like do you have a problem, you don’t necessarily need this product, but more like, what if you could make it (sex) even better?”
I think cock rings are my perfect example of a gateway sex toy for men.
It doesn't represent a deficiency in any part. They often find their erection is harder, bigger, and they feel more powerful, it's actually just going to make things better. These can be the cherry on top of your really good sex, or they can be like the icing that makes your cake even better.
They start to realize oh, it’s not my enemy, it’s my friend.
Vibrators can help women have better, more fulfilling sexual experiences and it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with their partners. I think for a woman having one or two really awesome vibrators is recommended. The thing people don't realize about vibrators is how nuanced they are. First of all, the materials are different. A really good silicone vibrator has a completely unique aesthetic and feel to it rather than a nickel plated one, not mention there is a whole world of different settings. You definitely need a really good quality one, at least.
“You can even go through TSA with a small vibrator.”
Some are buzzy, some are more thuddy.
There are so many different varieties of sensations when it comes to vibrators. When it comes to all the different varieties, there's a really exciting world to explore. There's also this notion of vibrators being phallic long things and a lot of women don't realize you can have these really unassuming little clitoral vibrators or clitoral stimulators that are not big, scary toys that your child's going to find and parade around the house to their friends like a rocket ship. You can hide it from people. You can even go through TSA with a small vibrator.
Because sex toys are just about having fun and making things better.
When we think about sex toys it can be intimidating. It's about something that's not good that needs to be fixed as opposed to this is something that can make good things even more amazing. Having that enthusiasm and that excitement, because I think that that's often what's missing for people, is essential to exploring what’s going to enhance your connection.
So, just to recap: honoring stability while creating space for novelty in our relationship takes work, pleasure and connection can often be the perfect place to carve out space in a partnership, and toys come highly recommended by experts - um, yes, we’re in!
Complete with a passion for empowering everyone’s sexuality and a commitment to de-stigmatizing sex no matter your age, orientation or inclination - Julia of Giving the Talk, you are moving this conversation and culture forward, and we’re here for all of it, thank you!